Ponderings on Urges

I read an article today on Women24 (yeah, not THE greatest source of literary writing but fun nevertheless) where the writer pondered on the lack of sex women seem to be having. She mentioned how pre-marriage people tend to shag like bunnies and then it dwindles (is this true my dear married friends?), most often the cause being having children, which I can understand as they do take up a lot of time and energy. Then she went on to say “Maybe ladies need to take their cues from men – don’t over evaluate or examine sex. In other words, don’t look for a reason, just a place!” And another article I came across talked about how to have a guilt-free one night stand.

Now I have been single for almost 2 years. I also have not had sex in 2 years (and I have not had mind-blowing sex in 4 years). Am I sexually frustrated? More than  anyone can imagine!   I however refuse to have sex with total strangers just to satisfy my urges. Sex for me is deeply emotional. Also in this day and age of rampant STIs and HIV/AIDS, do you really want to get hot and steamy with someone who’s sexual history you know nothing about?

Over the years I have confirmed that the majority of single guys out there only want one thing from a woman. And shagging willy-nilly will not help anyone (man or woman) find a long-term partner. If a man is serious about a relationship, then I firmly believe he will wait a few months before jumping in the sack. Think of Sex and the City. Were the girls ever satisfied with their random encounters? Of course not.

Am I an old-fashioned biddy? I don’t think so. When I was an insecure student I did have a few one night stands. I didn’t enjoy them and I felt used afterwards. It took me a long time and many unsatisfying encounters to realise that I’m worth so much more. I grew developed self-respect. I have not always made the best choice when it came to dating. Some men I ended up with because I was at a desperate stage, thinking I would never find anything else. They are the men I regret dating the most.

So even though my libido is through the roof, I will not head off for the nearest guy for a shag. I refuse to give in to our society’s propensity for instant gratification. I have come to terms that I am likely to be single for the rest of my life, as men feel threatened by smart, tall independent women (by the time you reach my age, the guys who aren’t intimidated by such women are all happily in relationships with said awesome women who were lucky enough to get to them before the rest of us). I am luckily not the type of woman who needs a man to feel happy. As a single child I learnt to be happy by myself. I don’t want someone to complete me but to complement me. I have my family, my friends and my cats. So I’m content. Yes a relationship would be lovely but not a necessity.

And until I meet a man whom I’m attracted to physically and intellectually and who feels the same about me (highly unlikely as it may be), my sexual BFF remains my trusty rabbit.

Am I fussy and full of shit?

Yesterday evening I went out for drinks with some of my colleagues. We had a great time and it was perfect to help us unwind. We talked about many things, and one of the conversations ended up revolving around relationships. My one colleague said to me "Stop being so fussy and full of shit and you'll find a man". Now it was said in jest, but it made me think about whether I am that fussy or not.

Now I know that the "perfect man" does not exist, just like God, Father Christmas, Unicorns and the Easter Bunny. But, having been around the dating circuit a bit, I know what pushes my buttons and what just doesn't work.

So yes, I do have a list. Let's see:

• Atheist (or non-theist). Dated the spiritual and religious guys. Never again thank you very much. They just didn't respect my point of view.

• Must have a similar cultural upbringing to me. If I make reference to Cthulhu (the guys in the office didn't understand why I was so chufed to see a reborn Cthulhu sticker on a car in the office basement. They had never hear of him) or Modigliani I would like the guy to get it. And in SA it can be quite hard. I look at my colleagues, sweet, smart people, but they tease me for my general knowledge. More than half the time they don't know what I'm on about. Now I'm not saying I need daily intellectual conversations, but run-of-the-mill topics get boring very quickly.
• Not a computer nerd. Dated a couple of guys who were so deep into their bloody PCs that it became a nuisance. Playing some PC games is fine, but living WoW, and spending every spare second you have in front of your machine? Thanks but no thanks. I want a relationship where I actually go out and do stuff (see my bucket list).
• Should enjoy reading, on a variety of topics. Sci-fi and fantasy don't cut the mustard. How about science, history, travel...
• Should enjoy cooking. It's awesome if a guy can cook. And not just one or two staple recipes.
• Taller than me. I've dated shorter guys and it's just weird and awkward.
• Preferably fit. A bit overweight is OK (yes I may be judgemental but fitter guys generally means better sex). I know I'm not the slimmest being out there but at least I'm doing something about it.
• Not clingy or jealous. Just trust me. I'm not going to cheat on you, so chill.
• Must have/rent his own place. I've decided that no man will move in with me unless he is serious about the relationship, and I mean SERIOUS as in wants to spend the rest of his life with me serious.

Of course all these prerequisites are all fine and good, but the most important thing is to have a deep connection. If the connection is there then all the rest is just an added bonus.

So until I meet  man with whom I "connect" on a deep and meaningful level then I will happily remain single until I do (though there will always be that element of jealousy at all my friends who are with someone with whom they've connected on a deeper level).

Then again, maybe I am fussy and full of shit. I don't know. You tell me.

Giant pot of Nutella anyone?

It’s incredible how a movie about a dog’s unfading loyalty to his master can make me have a wobbly, bringing out the vulnerable and lonely side of me.

I’m coping pretty well these days. I’m learning more about myself, my habits and patterns. But I still have the bad habit (or is self-preservation?) of ignoring the needy inner me and pushing it right back into the cupboard and locking the door on it. And every now and again, the loneliness comes seeping out again and catches me unawares.

I am not the type of person who will ask others for help. The last think I want is to be that clingy friend who always needs a shoulder to lean on. I don’t wish to put such a burden on my friends and end up alienating them. So I put up a mask to prevent friends and family from worrying about me.

I won’t lie that I often feel like a third wheel around many of my friends. It’s hard seeing them so happy and complemented in their relationships, and her I am with a string of failed relationships behind me.

I really would like to meet a man who will appreciate me for who I am and who will make an effort to show me that he appreciates me. I would like to connect with someone on a much deeper level and not solely based on lust. And I don’t want to be 80 when it happens.

I want someone who will accept that I have my inner weak child and that every now and again will be my rock, someone who understands that I need to feel valued. I don’t want to be taken for granted, to be someone’s booty call. I know I have a rather stringent list of requirements, but it’s mainly a list of what I do NOT want in a guy. I’m a pretty awesome person (if I wasn’t I wouldn’t have the amazing friends I have) and I do deserve a pretty awesome guy.

I don’t know if it has been my lack of judgement when it comes to the guys I’ve dates or if it’s a symptom of my generation, but guys don’t seem to want to invest in relationships. Of course there are exceptions and the exceptions already in relationships. The old motto “Guys are like public toilets: Occupied or full of shit” seems to pop up at this time.

I guess that what scares me; is that it will take so long to meet the right guy.

And then I smack myself for being such a morose cynic. I find it hard to forgive myself for being weak. I can't find it in me to hug myself and say it's OK, everyone goes through this. We're not machines. Only human.

I’m also scared of looking back and realising that I have done nothing with my life. I don’t want to spend my weekends indoors watching TV. I want to be out doing stuff, not necessarily stuff that costs money, but just to be out and about. Be it a picnic in the park, or going for a walk, or discovering new places around town. And I would like to do that with someone special.

So yeah, today I need a huge hug and a large pot of Nutella.

What men really want

My great (and lecherous) friend Taltos sent me a great article on what men really want. It's quite an eye-opener and things start making sense when reading it. Here are some direct quotes. But I recommend you read it (whether you are man or woman).

Men hide their emotions from themselves and us.

Women assume that when men hide their issues, they have a secret plan. They don’t.

Meanwhile, what is it men really want? To be loved without expectation. To mess up without being judged. To feel emotions at their own pace. And to be allowed the simple privilege of honest talk.

Epiphany

I posted a status earlier today, at night. So many of my friends responded and I suddenly had an epiphany on how I tend to approach relationships.

I recently met a really nice guy via DatingBuzz. We chatted online for a while, decided to meet and spent an awesome Sunday together last week. We then decided to meet up again this weekend. He came over to my place, had lovely lunch, watched tons of DVDs, series etc. And nothing happened! I thought to myself "Am I misreading the signals, do I think he's interested in me but isn't, isn't he supposed to make the first move, why hasn't he..." If you know me well enough you know ten million scenarios always go through my mind. So the doubt settled in.

This morning I read my friends' comments on my status, and I realised something: I ALWAYS rush into relationships. I don't let them slowly mature from friendships into relationships. It's instant gratification. And the result: two long-term relationships who's endings hurt, and a string of short term relationships / flings that hurt me even more.

My shrink and I have spoken quite a bit about instant gratification. I reach for the sweet comforting food because it makes me feel safe and good. I rush into relationships (today's epiphany). Like Jean Anouilh's Antigone

"I want everything of life, I do; and I want it total, complete: otherwise I reject it! I will not be moderate. I will not be satisfied with the bit of cake offered for being a good little girl. I want to be sure of everything this very day; sure that everything will be as beautiful as when I was a little girl."

And I want it now. This very minute.

But I am at a stage in my life where I need to learn that gratification need not come immediately, that there is the delayed gratification. The gratification of "I haven't felt the need to eat the desert and as a result I've lost weight", of "I haven't rushed into a relationship and it's worked out for the best" (maybe friendship, maybe relationship).

Go slow. Isn't that a new lifetyle trend anyway? Go slow, get to know the guy better (as LeBiscuit recommended). You never know where it will lead. Agrippina actually said "Maybe he's a gentleman". I like that thought. I've always wanted to date a gentlemanly guy. And Taltos, it wasn't your long-distance vibes vibes that interfered. I was me expecting too much too soon.

So thank you all for making me realise this about myself. You rock! And I love you all very dearly! *MWAH*

Now let me post this before I get all emotional and teary.

PS: Next time round I'll be going to his place and he's making me dinner. That's promising. AND I WILL TAKE IT SLOWLY! No need to rush.

The Hiccup

I had a hiccup yesterday. Not one of those diaphragm ones that you can get rid of by drinking a glass of water upside down. (Yes, it DOES work! Ask me how.) But an emotional hiccup.

Yesterday was one of those gloriously beautiful late spring /early summer days. Blue skies, warm, peaceful... Just perfect. One of those days you want to spend outdoors with family, friends and a significant other. But there I was, alone, feeling rather sorry for myself. I was totally listless, moody and weepy, wishing I was with friends rather than by myself.

You may be asking “So why didn’t you get hold of family and friends?” Well, the parentals are in France for my Gran’s 90th so option (a) was not applicable. And I seriously considered phoning up friends to see if we couldn't maybe do something. But I feel guilty organising something so last minute. My friends have their own lives to live and I certainly do not expect them to go out and do stuff at a drop of a gloomy person's hat.

“You’re melodramatic and silly and worry too much, and you can call us anytime!” I can hear those friends reading this post say. I know. I know. But there still is guilt. I am a giver, not a taker. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that they can come and talk to me anytime. I don't often ask for help / support fom other people. It's not the best thing in the world but I'm working on it. I know I can't only give, otherwise there will be nothing left of me to give. I need to "gift" myself more often.

I am also often ruled by the irrational side of me. I tend to keep it buried under the efficient rational me, but it does get the better of me at times. Like it did yesterday. The irrational side was saying "You're single and are unlikely to find a man who will appreciate you like you should be". The rational side "Bullshit. He'll come along one day." Irrational "yeah! When I'm 80." You get the drift.

So why was I thinking relationships when I'm happy being single? Was it seeing the ex at Billious' 30th and having that kick-in-the-gut feeling at how good he looks in a suit? Even though he behaved in a selfish and arrogant manner in the past and I bear him a grudge. Is it seeing so many of my dear friends in successful relationships? Or was it simply that it was too stunning a day to be spending alone? Probably a bit of all of the above.

I think I was just tired. It was Billious' 30th birthday bash the night before and I got to bed late and stupidly woke up early. Of course once I'm semi-awake there's no going back to sleep for me. So after lunch I put my picnick blanket under the tree, some pillows and had a light nap with the cats. I did feel a bit better after that, and so decided to spend the rest of the afternoon reading The Science of the Discworld and tanning my legs (pasty white legs not sexy).

So in the meantime I will look at this picture taken at Billious' party and reflect on the fact that I have AWESOME friends!

Starring in no particular order yours truly, Ming the Merciless, Miss Wolf, Celtic Woman and Miss ADHLAS.

Society and Women

Women's roles over our thousand years of history have regularly changed. Some good, some bad and in every strata of society they have been different. I'm not going into all of them because I would end up writing a book and many books of this kind have already been written.

But there are some things that grate my carrot. There is this huge and ridiculous pressure from Western Society that, as a woman of the 21st century, you should be in a successful relationship / marriage, have a career, kids and a mortgage by the time you turn 30. And that that should you not have achieved these milestones then you would be an unsuccessful spinster for the rest of your life and that you will be forever unfulfilled because you do not have children

What a load of BS! And sadly this nonsense is perpetuated my media and chickflicks. No wonder our generation is one of very confused women.

Career. Not everyone is cut out for a career, as we aren't all super competitive people. I'm 31 and only now coming into my own in terms of my work. Will I ever be a career woman. I don't know. I'm not competitive. I like having a life outside work. Only time will tell.

Regarding kids. I don't want any. Reasons:

1. I don't like them. Simple as that. I have no maternal feelings towards the critters. I'm happy for my friends who are happy to be having them, but please do not expect me to gush over them. And what is it with women speaking to babies in high-pitched squeaky voices. If I was those kids I'd puke all over them. I don't speak to my cats that way and I consider them my fur babies.
   
2. Our planet is severely overpopulated. Why bring spawnlings into the world where there will be a serious lack of resources in the near future.
   
3. Bringing up kids is extremely expensive and time consuming. You loose all your independence and money. Yes that is a very selfish attitude on my part, but I rather like my independence.
   

Thank goodness my parents don't care if they have grandchildren or not. Thank goodness that most of my girlfriends are in no hurry to have kids or don't want any. So I don't get that shocked "What's wrong with you that you don't want kids" spiel from them. And those who do have kids don't ostracise me for it.

I'm grateful my parents had me. Part of me is sad that I am the last in line with the family surname. The only other person with the surname is a distant cousin who hasn't had kids either. But hey, that's how the cookie crumbles and I won't cry over it.

Relationships. I'm very happy single. Being an only child I've learned to be happy by myself. And this is something my mother told me and she has been spot on about it.

"If you cannot be happy by yourself, you will never be happy in a relationship. A significant other is not there to complete you, but to complement you."

Too true. I have known serial daters, who could not be on their own for any period of time and were always flitting fro one person to the next, never happy with what came their way. I'm in no rush to be in a relationship. Over the years I have found out what I want in a man and I will not settle for less. (That's another story that will be told another time).

Mortgage. In this economic climate, it's a tricky one. And with the house prices in South Africa getting a bond is no easy task. No such thing as 100% bonds with low interest rates. My friend L'Emmerdeuse and her husband bought their first flat in Paris. A 100% bond wit no interest! So unfair. I bought my duplex with the help of my folks. There was no way I could have done by myself.

So please, the perpetrators of this BS, please STOP IT! I am not missing anything by not having kids. I am happily single and I have a "Rabbit". I am leading my life at my own pace and enjoying it thankyouverymuch!