Giant pot of Nutella anyone?

It’s incredible how a movie about a dog’s unfading loyalty to his master can make me have a wobbly, bringing out the vulnerable and lonely side of me.

I’m coping pretty well these days. I’m learning more about myself, my habits and patterns. But I still have the bad habit (or is self-preservation?) of ignoring the needy inner me and pushing it right back into the cupboard and locking the door on it. And every now and again, the loneliness comes seeping out again and catches me unawares.

I am not the type of person who will ask others for help. The last think I want is to be that clingy friend who always needs a shoulder to lean on. I don’t wish to put such a burden on my friends and end up alienating them. So I put up a mask to prevent friends and family from worrying about me.

I won’t lie that I often feel like a third wheel around many of my friends. It’s hard seeing them so happy and complemented in their relationships, and her I am with a string of failed relationships behind me.

I really would like to meet a man who will appreciate me for who I am and who will make an effort to show me that he appreciates me. I would like to connect with someone on a much deeper level and not solely based on lust. And I don’t want to be 80 when it happens.

I want someone who will accept that I have my inner weak child and that every now and again will be my rock, someone who understands that I need to feel valued. I don’t want to be taken for granted, to be someone’s booty call. I know I have a rather stringent list of requirements, but it’s mainly a list of what I do NOT want in a guy. I’m a pretty awesome person (if I wasn’t I wouldn’t have the amazing friends I have) and I do deserve a pretty awesome guy.

I don’t know if it has been my lack of judgement when it comes to the guys I’ve dates or if it’s a symptom of my generation, but guys don’t seem to want to invest in relationships. Of course there are exceptions and the exceptions already in relationships. The old motto “Guys are like public toilets: Occupied or full of shit” seems to pop up at this time.

I guess that what scares me; is that it will take so long to meet the right guy.

And then I smack myself for being such a morose cynic. I find it hard to forgive myself for being weak. I can't find it in me to hug myself and say it's OK, everyone goes through this. We're not machines. Only human.

I’m also scared of looking back and realising that I have done nothing with my life. I don’t want to spend my weekends indoors watching TV. I want to be out doing stuff, not necessarily stuff that costs money, but just to be out and about. Be it a picnic in the park, or going for a walk, or discovering new places around town. And I would like to do that with someone special.

So yeah, today I need a huge hug and a large pot of Nutella.

Band of the Week

I'm always having fun putting unknown bands (to me) on my ipod. This week I discovered a band I totally like: HURTS.

Do yourselves a favour and go listen to them. They've been around a while it seems, but never heard their songs. They're classified pop-alternative-rock. If you feel like listening to some soft-cock-rock meets Depeche Mode, meets highly orchestrated melodies this is the band for you. The lead singer has a gorgeous voice. The lyrics are stunning. I'm hitting the repeat button. A lot.

Sunday

from the album Happiness (2010)

There are times when we question the things we know.
We never thought that the cracks would begin to show.
We both know love is not that easy,
I wish I'd known that it would be this hard
To be alone. Please, come home!

The loverless nights, they seem so long,
I know that I'll hold you someday.
But until you come back where you belong,
It's just another lonely Sunday.

Is this the end of the love that has just begun?
I always hope that the best, it was yet to come.
So please come back, don't you leave me
We're both so young, I know you need me too.
And there'll always be, times like these.

The loverless nights, they seem so long,
I know that I'll hold you someday.
But until you come back where you belong,
It's just another lonely Sunday.
Maybe we'll see that we were wrong,
If ever we look back one day
But till you come back where you belong
It's just another lonely Sunday.

Lonely. Lonely.
If you don't come back tomorrow,
I'll be left here in the cold,
If you don't come back tomorrow,
I'll go.

The loverless nights, they seem so long,
I know that I'll hold you someday.
But until you come back where you belong,
It's just another lonely Sunday.
Maybe we'll see that we were wrong,
If ever we look back one day
But till you come back where you belong
It's just another lonely Sunday.