Living with Anxiety

I have been very scarce with my blogs in the last months. I’ve wanted to write meaningful pieces but only got around to doing music recommendations. Today Clemma and I agreed that we would each post a blog. So here is mine.

Unknown to most of you I have been suffering from severe anxiety for a few months. Of course it took me a while and some therapy to realise what was going on. When you wake up in the morning and you can’t breathe, that you spend the whole day with tremors and shortness of breath, when you can’t remember anything so you have to write everything down, when you can’t concentrate and your already crummy sleeping patterns go to hell, you KNOW something is very wrong.

I eventually dragged myself to the GP who has given me some medication to deal with it. One of the meds is for emergencies only. I took one initially and I swear NEVER EVER AGAIN! When the box tells you to not operate heavy machinery, they mean it. And under heavy machinery, I include the walking. I was wearing heels that day and I had to totter to my car and put on my flats lest I keel right over. It felt like my being was not quite in my body. Everything was out of kilter. Try and work when you feel like that. It took most of the day to shed the feeling. When I told my shrink about it she said that that med should only be taken if you can have a lie down afterwards. Miss ADHLAS said that when she took it for her anxiety attacks it turned her into a Zombie. I wish my GP had warned me.

It’s been hard dealing with the anxiety. I realise I am not the only person in the world who suffers from it, and women tend to struggle more than men, but anxiety is something that one has to deal with by oneself, day by day. Other sufferers can sympathise and understand only too well. Non-sufferers will not understand. It also cannot be compared to stress. Stress can be a trigger for this affliction. It was in my case. The other meds I now take have helped somewhat, though I still have entire anxiety filled days. Something more than just anxiety is afoot.

I’ve been exceedingly weepy for no reason (and no it’s not PMS), apathetic, generally lost my appetite, concentration which had improved somewhat has seriously degenerated, I sleep very poorly and am therefore continuously exhausted, I can’t get myself out of bed in the morning (it took 45 minutes the other day) and of course my already fragile self-esteem has flown out the window. The other evening I had supper with friend of mine and I just wanted to go and disappear in a cocoon somewhere, even though I wanted to be with my friends. Add onto that the fact that I’ve gotten quite sick with a head cold and cough for the last 3 weeks and a glorious cold sore (which always trigger an allergic reaction. Sigh…). I’m utterly run-down emotionally and physically. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I’ve had good things happen to me. I have a brand new gorgeous red car, a new couch, a man who wants to be more than just friends, loving parents, supportive friends, adorable furrbabies, compliments from colleagues at work, substantial weight-loss and increased fitness…

Right now I just want to curl under a blanket, get lots of hugs from my mom and not resurface for a while. Oh if I could be a cat…

Can anyone spell out the condition? D.E.P.R.E.S.S.I.O.N. The symptoms are identical to last time. I’m going to see a psychiatrist on Thursday and we will see why the software is malfunction and how we can fix it.

The silver lining? I know that I whatever the diagnosis, I will get through it. I have in the past and there is no reason that I won’t get through it this time. I also have many golf balls in my mayonnaise jar of life. I must not allow the grains of sand to take over.

So my dear golf balls, I’ll keep you in the loop.

Giant pot of Nutella anyone?

It’s incredible how a movie about a dog’s unfading loyalty to his master can make me have a wobbly, bringing out the vulnerable and lonely side of me.

I’m coping pretty well these days. I’m learning more about myself, my habits and patterns. But I still have the bad habit (or is self-preservation?) of ignoring the needy inner me and pushing it right back into the cupboard and locking the door on it. And every now and again, the loneliness comes seeping out again and catches me unawares.

I am not the type of person who will ask others for help. The last think I want is to be that clingy friend who always needs a shoulder to lean on. I don’t wish to put such a burden on my friends and end up alienating them. So I put up a mask to prevent friends and family from worrying about me.

I won’t lie that I often feel like a third wheel around many of my friends. It’s hard seeing them so happy and complemented in their relationships, and her I am with a string of failed relationships behind me.

I really would like to meet a man who will appreciate me for who I am and who will make an effort to show me that he appreciates me. I would like to connect with someone on a much deeper level and not solely based on lust. And I don’t want to be 80 when it happens.

I want someone who will accept that I have my inner weak child and that every now and again will be my rock, someone who understands that I need to feel valued. I don’t want to be taken for granted, to be someone’s booty call. I know I have a rather stringent list of requirements, but it’s mainly a list of what I do NOT want in a guy. I’m a pretty awesome person (if I wasn’t I wouldn’t have the amazing friends I have) and I do deserve a pretty awesome guy.

I don’t know if it has been my lack of judgement when it comes to the guys I’ve dates or if it’s a symptom of my generation, but guys don’t seem to want to invest in relationships. Of course there are exceptions and the exceptions already in relationships. The old motto “Guys are like public toilets: Occupied or full of shit” seems to pop up at this time.

I guess that what scares me; is that it will take so long to meet the right guy.

And then I smack myself for being such a morose cynic. I find it hard to forgive myself for being weak. I can't find it in me to hug myself and say it's OK, everyone goes through this. We're not machines. Only human.

I’m also scared of looking back and realising that I have done nothing with my life. I don’t want to spend my weekends indoors watching TV. I want to be out doing stuff, not necessarily stuff that costs money, but just to be out and about. Be it a picnic in the park, or going for a walk, or discovering new places around town. And I would like to do that with someone special.

So yeah, today I need a huge hug and a large pot of Nutella.

The light at the end of the tunnel

It has been nearly a month since I've weaned myself off the anti-depressants and I haven't felt this good in a long, long time. I have been monitoring myself very carefully. The last thing I want is to head down that hellhole again. And bar one hiccup, my mood has been 8/10 most days.

Going to the shrink has also taught me a lot about myself. Things that I would not normally have picked up on and when made aware of it, suddenly make sense. It's quite an awakening.

Many factors have played a part, the most important one being the new job. Chinabean told me the other day "They do say that change is as good as a holiday - I'd say the proof is in watching you right now!!!" It's a great affirmation when friends notice the change. The work load is quite hectic, but I am learning so many new things. I'm finally coming into my own. A great reward when colleagues compliment you on work well done and clients request further work from you. And I got to see my very first mining blast. It was HUGE and totally awesome! I'm still on a high from it.

One of the fun things about being off the drugs is not only the happy factor, but that my libido has returned. I had forgotten it was this high. I do feel it needs to be held at bay with a cattle prod lest it try and take me over, but it's good to have the old friend back. Thank goodness for the Rabbit and Duracell batteries.

Life is good. May it continue!

Joining the Blogosphere

After much deliberation I have finally taken the plunge and decided to join the blogosphere. A good friend, Dr. S., told me that writing a blog could be very liberating. So on her advice, here it is.

This is a time of changes in my life. The last couple of years have been difficult emotionally and physically, resulting in the triggering of a depression. As I never suffered from depression, it took me a while to realise that something was wrong. At the beginning, I though that the "off" feelings I was having were due to the fact that I was turning 30 and was single. There is this huge (and ridiculous) pressure from society that, as a woman, you should be in a relationship/married, successful in your job/career and with kids and a mortgage by the time you hit 30. If you have not achieved these milestones you will be an unsuccessful spinster for the rest of your life, and unfulfilled because you do not have children. (But that is another story to be told another time.)

So there I was, on the verge of 30, with none of the above. (I lie, I did buy a duplex. One out of four.) And in a state of panic, of "oh my god, I've hit my sell-by-date and will never be in a successful relationship or be able to shed my extra weight". Not a good place.

And I turned 30. I had a great party and it was good and I was not terrified of being 30 anymore. Yet the "off" feeling persisted. I became weepier and weepier. One day I accidentally knocked my mom's glass of wine and burst into tears. Crying over spilled wine. Seriously? THAT's when I knew something was seriously wrong.

So off to the GP, prescribed anti-depressants and off we were. I stopped feeling all weepy, but I was far from OK. I started procrastinating at work, counting the minutes till I got home. This was compounded by the fact that money was tight. Paying a bond and all associated bits and bobs were taking a strain on finances.

Early this year I got weepy again. So back to GP, upped the medication. Weepiness stopped. As did my sex drive. That scared me. I knew that taking anti-depressants can cause a loss of libido. Had I been single at the time I probably would have been OK with it, but I wasn't, and for the first time in a while I was having a great sex life. To see it fizzle out did not help matters.

The miserableness at work worsened. I didn't get a raise (then again, the raise my colleagues got were a piddly joke). My flatmate, the dear and lovely Miss ADHLAS (Attention Deficit...Hey Look a Squirrel), moved out. My relationship was not going where I wanted it to.

That's when, amazingly enough, things in my head started to fall in place. I realised that I actually disliked the company I was working for, not my colleagues though. Just the company, its management and attitude. I had been working on the same two projects for three years. I wasn't getting onto new and different projects.I was stagnating and my passion for the field I was in was being sucked dry.

So I revamped my CV and put it out there. Slowly job-interviews started trickling in. A recruiter found me and now, many months later, I am working out my last few days at the company and exited to be starting a new and better paid paid job in September. This also means that money for being paid out leave and some from my retirement annuity will be used to pay off debts. And I will have enough money on a monthly basis to not to have to use the dreaded credit card, to put more money into my bond, to restart my savings and still have enough left over to treat myself.

Miss ADHLAS gave me the name her shrink (Mrs. S), whom I've now been seeing for almost two months. These have been two months of discovery for me. I am discovering things about myself that I'd been unconsciously locking away. It hasn't been easy. This Gordian Knot of issues and emotions will take a while to loosen. Some sessions leave me hollowed out, some elated.

I broke up with the ex. He wanted a casual on his terms easy sex relationship, I wanted something serious. Since then, my back pain stopped, clearly stress related. I joined a local dating website, and started chatting to some interesting guys. I even went out on a few dates. Me, dating! Have you ever! And the guys are quite nice, if not potential significant other for me, they are excellent friend material.

I've gone back to a lower dosage of meds and I'm feeling good. My libido is coming back too. I can foresee I need to invest in more batteries.

A good friend of mine, the LouwnStar, said to me the other day that he's glad to see me getting my groove back. And it feels good.

So here I am: New beginning, new-found groove and new-found confidence. Full steam ahead.

I'm turning 31 tomorrow. I won a wine hamper! I am in a better space than ever! Come on future! Bring it on!