Long Time No See

In the past week I have met up with people I have not seen in forever and a decade.

Monday I was on site in Kathu for an audit. Turns out one of the auditors, Cara, is a girl I went to university with! I have not seen her in 10 years. And she has not changed one bit. We reminisced about the time we went to Oppikoppi together and talked about ex-mates and what they are up to today. It seems she’s kept better in touch than I have. LOL! And while we were auditing, we bumped into another girl we were at varsity with, Tanja. And she has changed even less! I swear you have to go to a small ass town in the middle of NOWHERE to meet up old mates.

On Wednesday I met up with Beth for a very nice Curry. I have not seen Beth since her baby Shower in November last year. How shocking is that? She’s now a yummy mummy to two adorable twin boys (Matt and Leo), and they are toddling quite close to their first birthday. It was so nice to catch up with Beth. I have missed her and even though we keep in touch through Facebook, it’s just not the same as sitting down face to face.

I’ve realised that I have not seen a number of friends for quite a while and there is no excuse for not seeing them. I have decided that when I get back from my holidays I will make a point of meeting for coffee / lunch / supper with all those lovely people. No more excuses! I cannot allow good friends to slip away because no effort has been made to keep in touch.

I'm going to have quite the social calendar!

Happy IVGLDSW Day!

Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day!

Remember these mottos to live by: 

• Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, totally worn out and screaming 'WOOO HOOOOO what a ride!' 
• Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
• Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cakes. 
• The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. 
• I refuse to think of them as chin hair.  I think of them as stray eyebrows.    
• Old age ain't no place for sissies.
• Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
• If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. 
• I'm not going to vacuum until Dyson makes one you can ride on.
• Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
• Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. 
• When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!!

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and started to fill it with golf balls.

 He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

 The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

 
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - family, children, health, friends, and favourite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else --the small stuff.’

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are really important to you.’

‘So, pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap.’

‘Take care of the golf balls first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Giant pot of Nutella anyone?

It’s incredible how a movie about a dog’s unfading loyalty to his master can make me have a wobbly, bringing out the vulnerable and lonely side of me.

I’m coping pretty well these days. I’m learning more about myself, my habits and patterns. But I still have the bad habit (or is self-preservation?) of ignoring the needy inner me and pushing it right back into the cupboard and locking the door on it. And every now and again, the loneliness comes seeping out again and catches me unawares.

I am not the type of person who will ask others for help. The last think I want is to be that clingy friend who always needs a shoulder to lean on. I don’t wish to put such a burden on my friends and end up alienating them. So I put up a mask to prevent friends and family from worrying about me.

I won’t lie that I often feel like a third wheel around many of my friends. It’s hard seeing them so happy and complemented in their relationships, and her I am with a string of failed relationships behind me.

I really would like to meet a man who will appreciate me for who I am and who will make an effort to show me that he appreciates me. I would like to connect with someone on a much deeper level and not solely based on lust. And I don’t want to be 80 when it happens.

I want someone who will accept that I have my inner weak child and that every now and again will be my rock, someone who understands that I need to feel valued. I don’t want to be taken for granted, to be someone’s booty call. I know I have a rather stringent list of requirements, but it’s mainly a list of what I do NOT want in a guy. I’m a pretty awesome person (if I wasn’t I wouldn’t have the amazing friends I have) and I do deserve a pretty awesome guy.

I don’t know if it has been my lack of judgement when it comes to the guys I’ve dates or if it’s a symptom of my generation, but guys don’t seem to want to invest in relationships. Of course there are exceptions and the exceptions already in relationships. The old motto “Guys are like public toilets: Occupied or full of shit” seems to pop up at this time.

I guess that what scares me; is that it will take so long to meet the right guy.

And then I smack myself for being such a morose cynic. I find it hard to forgive myself for being weak. I can't find it in me to hug myself and say it's OK, everyone goes through this. We're not machines. Only human.

I’m also scared of looking back and realising that I have done nothing with my life. I don’t want to spend my weekends indoors watching TV. I want to be out doing stuff, not necessarily stuff that costs money, but just to be out and about. Be it a picnic in the park, or going for a walk, or discovering new places around town. And I would like to do that with someone special.

So yeah, today I need a huge hug and a large pot of Nutella.

Epiphany

I posted a status earlier today, at night. So many of my friends responded and I suddenly had an epiphany on how I tend to approach relationships.

I recently met a really nice guy via DatingBuzz. We chatted online for a while, decided to meet and spent an awesome Sunday together last week. We then decided to meet up again this weekend. He came over to my place, had lovely lunch, watched tons of DVDs, series etc. And nothing happened! I thought to myself "Am I misreading the signals, do I think he's interested in me but isn't, isn't he supposed to make the first move, why hasn't he..." If you know me well enough you know ten million scenarios always go through my mind. So the doubt settled in.

This morning I read my friends' comments on my status, and I realised something: I ALWAYS rush into relationships. I don't let them slowly mature from friendships into relationships. It's instant gratification. And the result: two long-term relationships who's endings hurt, and a string of short term relationships / flings that hurt me even more.

My shrink and I have spoken quite a bit about instant gratification. I reach for the sweet comforting food because it makes me feel safe and good. I rush into relationships (today's epiphany). Like Jean Anouilh's Antigone

"I want everything of life, I do; and I want it total, complete: otherwise I reject it! I will not be moderate. I will not be satisfied with the bit of cake offered for being a good little girl. I want to be sure of everything this very day; sure that everything will be as beautiful as when I was a little girl."

And I want it now. This very minute.

But I am at a stage in my life where I need to learn that gratification need not come immediately, that there is the delayed gratification. The gratification of "I haven't felt the need to eat the desert and as a result I've lost weight", of "I haven't rushed into a relationship and it's worked out for the best" (maybe friendship, maybe relationship).

Go slow. Isn't that a new lifetyle trend anyway? Go slow, get to know the guy better (as LeBiscuit recommended). You never know where it will lead. Agrippina actually said "Maybe he's a gentleman". I like that thought. I've always wanted to date a gentlemanly guy. And Taltos, it wasn't your long-distance vibes vibes that interfered. I was me expecting too much too soon.

So thank you all for making me realise this about myself. You rock! And I love you all very dearly! *MWAH*

Now let me post this before I get all emotional and teary.

PS: Next time round I'll be going to his place and he's making me dinner. That's promising. AND I WILL TAKE IT SLOWLY! No need to rush.

The Hiccup

I had a hiccup yesterday. Not one of those diaphragm ones that you can get rid of by drinking a glass of water upside down. (Yes, it DOES work! Ask me how.) But an emotional hiccup.

Yesterday was one of those gloriously beautiful late spring /early summer days. Blue skies, warm, peaceful... Just perfect. One of those days you want to spend outdoors with family, friends and a significant other. But there I was, alone, feeling rather sorry for myself. I was totally listless, moody and weepy, wishing I was with friends rather than by myself.

You may be asking “So why didn’t you get hold of family and friends?” Well, the parentals are in France for my Gran’s 90th so option (a) was not applicable. And I seriously considered phoning up friends to see if we couldn't maybe do something. But I feel guilty organising something so last minute. My friends have their own lives to live and I certainly do not expect them to go out and do stuff at a drop of a gloomy person's hat.

“You’re melodramatic and silly and worry too much, and you can call us anytime!” I can hear those friends reading this post say. I know. I know. But there still is guilt. I am a giver, not a taker. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that they can come and talk to me anytime. I don't often ask for help / support fom other people. It's not the best thing in the world but I'm working on it. I know I can't only give, otherwise there will be nothing left of me to give. I need to "gift" myself more often.

I am also often ruled by the irrational side of me. I tend to keep it buried under the efficient rational me, but it does get the better of me at times. Like it did yesterday. The irrational side was saying "You're single and are unlikely to find a man who will appreciate you like you should be". The rational side "Bullshit. He'll come along one day." Irrational "yeah! When I'm 80." You get the drift.

So why was I thinking relationships when I'm happy being single? Was it seeing the ex at Billious' 30th and having that kick-in-the-gut feeling at how good he looks in a suit? Even though he behaved in a selfish and arrogant manner in the past and I bear him a grudge. Is it seeing so many of my dear friends in successful relationships? Or was it simply that it was too stunning a day to be spending alone? Probably a bit of all of the above.

I think I was just tired. It was Billious' 30th birthday bash the night before and I got to bed late and stupidly woke up early. Of course once I'm semi-awake there's no going back to sleep for me. So after lunch I put my picnick blanket under the tree, some pillows and had a light nap with the cats. I did feel a bit better after that, and so decided to spend the rest of the afternoon reading The Science of the Discworld and tanning my legs (pasty white legs not sexy).

So in the meantime I will look at this picture taken at Billious' party and reflect on the fact that I have AWESOME friends!

Starring in no particular order yours truly, Ming the Merciless, Miss Wolf, Celtic Woman and Miss ADHLAS.

I get by with a little help from my friends...

So sang The Beatles. And it's true.

As an only child I learned how to entertain myself. A very useful skill when your parents take you along to visit their friends who don't have kids.

A very useful skill when you are ostracised at school because you've been brought up by bookworm parents who read Goethe to you at age 4, you grow up surrounded by art and classical music and you're a smart kid.

My childhood was pretty lonely. I had few friends, and being in a school where the kids' parents are on contract, those friends never were around for long. The girls were worse than the boys. We are supremely bitchy things as kids, but we mostly grow up OK. I have one friend left from those days, L'Emmerdeuse, who is now happily married and living in Paris.

The teenage years were worse. Do you think girls can get bitchier? Yes they can! Thank goodness for growing up.

At University I started blossoming and formed some good friendships. Even more so when I started postgrad, joined a Dungeons & Dragons role playing group (yeah yeah yeah, girl playing D&D, geek, whatever). I also started archery and made close friends there too.

I am proud to say that I have an amazing group of friends who are always there for me, just as I am there for them.

And friends are extremely important to me. Relationships come and go, but friendships are the champagne that make life's blues go away.

So a big thank you to all the wonderful people in my life, without whom it would otherwise be most dull.