Giant pot of Nutella anyone?

It’s incredible how a movie about a dog’s unfading loyalty to his master can make me have a wobbly, bringing out the vulnerable and lonely side of me.

I’m coping pretty well these days. I’m learning more about myself, my habits and patterns. But I still have the bad habit (or is self-preservation?) of ignoring the needy inner me and pushing it right back into the cupboard and locking the door on it. And every now and again, the loneliness comes seeping out again and catches me unawares.

I am not the type of person who will ask others for help. The last think I want is to be that clingy friend who always needs a shoulder to lean on. I don’t wish to put such a burden on my friends and end up alienating them. So I put up a mask to prevent friends and family from worrying about me.

I won’t lie that I often feel like a third wheel around many of my friends. It’s hard seeing them so happy and complemented in their relationships, and her I am with a string of failed relationships behind me.

I really would like to meet a man who will appreciate me for who I am and who will make an effort to show me that he appreciates me. I would like to connect with someone on a much deeper level and not solely based on lust. And I don’t want to be 80 when it happens.

I want someone who will accept that I have my inner weak child and that every now and again will be my rock, someone who understands that I need to feel valued. I don’t want to be taken for granted, to be someone’s booty call. I know I have a rather stringent list of requirements, but it’s mainly a list of what I do NOT want in a guy. I’m a pretty awesome person (if I wasn’t I wouldn’t have the amazing friends I have) and I do deserve a pretty awesome guy.

I don’t know if it has been my lack of judgement when it comes to the guys I’ve dates or if it’s a symptom of my generation, but guys don’t seem to want to invest in relationships. Of course there are exceptions and the exceptions already in relationships. The old motto “Guys are like public toilets: Occupied or full of shit” seems to pop up at this time.

I guess that what scares me; is that it will take so long to meet the right guy.

And then I smack myself for being such a morose cynic. I find it hard to forgive myself for being weak. I can't find it in me to hug myself and say it's OK, everyone goes through this. We're not machines. Only human.

I’m also scared of looking back and realising that I have done nothing with my life. I don’t want to spend my weekends indoors watching TV. I want to be out doing stuff, not necessarily stuff that costs money, but just to be out and about. Be it a picnic in the park, or going for a walk, or discovering new places around town. And I would like to do that with someone special.

So yeah, today I need a huge hug and a large pot of Nutella.

Bitterness and Healing

I have been single for two months now and I'm enjoying it.

But I need to write this blog for some emotional cleansing. Maybe if I write it down I will finally be able to let go of the bitterness inside me.

In December last year I started dating H. And it was great. He's an intelligent guy, has great knowledge on numerous subjects, and, yes, he was great in bed. We only saw each other on weekends because he lives in a different city.

Everything was going hunky dory until I started feeling that he wasn't putting any effort in the relationship. He was being lazy. The fact that I was on increased dosage of anti-depressant didn't help my libido, but I was able to overcome that. Yet, things just continued spiraling downwards and I was increasingly unhappy about the lack of effort or anything that H invested in us.

Eventually, we decided to call it quits. And he said to me "I told you from the start that I just wanted a fun relationship". Uh! Say what?! That conversation never happened. We did have a talk about finances and who pays for what kind of thing.

(Please note, the guy is stingy. We had our regulars sushi night yesterday and there was no all you can eat special and he was very upset that L&G who had organised the venue had not factored that in. Lazy and stingy. And a dick.)

So nothing about what we expect from the relationship. At the start it was great fun, we had an awesome time together. ..Oh! Wait. Fun as in no-strings attached booty call fun. That's kind of fun he meant. Gee thanks for not letting me know. I feel cheap and used. And extremely bitter.

And here I thought a 38 year old guy would be serious about relationships. If he wanted booty call he should have gone for some silly 20 year old.

A later incident made me even more resentful. We play D&D together and H is the DM and there are 7 players in the group. 4 of the guys come from Centurion and 3 of us from Joburg. So it seemed fair to play at the DM's place in Centurion. Recently, one of the players had to bow out to to unforeseen family drama. So that left 6 people, 3 from Centurion, 3 from Joburg. We continued playing in Centurion.

One day, I couldn't catch a lift to the game and I sent out a friendly email asking if maybe we could play at my house this one time as I'd be really bummed to miss out on the game. The guys responded happily with didn't have an issue changing the venue this one time. All except for H. He was so vociferous in his answering email I was just knocked off my feet! And I know that the only reason he did not want to change the venue the one time was that he's to lazy to get his stuff together and go somewhere. See tat word. Lazy. Yeah. I think that had he used a more apologetic tone in his response I would have been OK with missing out on the game. So I told him that due to his unflexibility and selfishness he'd just lost himself another player.

I then sent out a mail to the other guys telling them of my decision and that I was going to miss them a lot and that I truly enjoyed playing with them. The responses I got back from the guys were so sweet, I felt validated that they at least liked me and enjoyed playing with me too.

So yes. H is a dick. A lazy fat one. And may he regret his decision forever.

Last night, H was the last to arrive at sushi and G who was sitting next to me told me to breathe out and relax because he instantly noticed how I tensed up as soon as H rocked up. G also passed on a book voucher H had given to him to give me for my birthday. And I gave it straight back to H. He looked confused and said "But it's for you." To which I relied "I don't want it" and walked out.

Sigh..Phew... I think I feel better. I'm just so puzzled as to why I'm so hurt. I obviously had deeper feelings than I thought I had, and that feeling used made it worse.

I am not someone's booty call. I am a beautiful, intelligent and educated woman and any man who does not realise and appreciate that is not worth an iota.