I posted a status earlier today, at night. So many of my friends responded and I suddenly had an epiphany on how I tend to approach relationships.
I recently met a really nice guy via DatingBuzz. We chatted online for a while, decided to meet and spent an awesome Sunday together last week. We then decided to meet up again this weekend. He came over to my place, had lovely lunch, watched tons of DVDs, series etc. And nothing happened! I thought to myself "Am I misreading the signals, do I think he's interested in me but isn't, isn't he supposed to make the first move, why hasn't he..." If you know me well enough you know ten million scenarios always go through my mind. So the doubt settled in.
This morning I read my friends' comments on my status, and I realised something: I ALWAYS rush into relationships. I don't let them slowly mature from friendships into relationships. It's instant gratification. And the result: two long-term relationships who's endings hurt, and a string of short term relationships / flings that hurt me even more.
My shrink and I have spoken quite a bit about instant gratification. I reach for the sweet comforting food because it makes me feel safe and good. I rush into relationships (today's epiphany). Like Jean Anouilh's Antigone
But I am at a stage in my life where I need to learn that gratification need not come immediately, that there is the delayed gratification. The gratification of "I haven't felt the need to eat the desert and as a result I've lost weight", of "I haven't rushed into a relationship and it's worked out for the best" (maybe friendship, maybe relationship).
Go slow. Isn't that a new lifetyle trend anyway? Go slow, get to know the guy better (as LeBiscuit recommended). You never know where it will lead. Agrippina actually said "Maybe he's a gentleman". I like that thought. I've always wanted to date a gentlemanly guy. And Taltos, it wasn't your long-distance vibes vibes that interfered. I was me expecting too much too soon.
So thank you all for making me realise this about myself. You rock! And I love you all very dearly! *MWAH*
Now let me post this before I get all emotional and teary.
PS: Next time round I'll be going to his place and he's making me dinner. That's promising. AND I WILL TAKE IT SLOWLY! No need to rush.
I recently met a really nice guy via DatingBuzz. We chatted online for a while, decided to meet and spent an awesome Sunday together last week. We then decided to meet up again this weekend. He came over to my place, had lovely lunch, watched tons of DVDs, series etc. And nothing happened! I thought to myself "Am I misreading the signals, do I think he's interested in me but isn't, isn't he supposed to make the first move, why hasn't he..." If you know me well enough you know ten million scenarios always go through my mind. So the doubt settled in.
This morning I read my friends' comments on my status, and I realised something: I ALWAYS rush into relationships. I don't let them slowly mature from friendships into relationships. It's instant gratification. And the result: two long-term relationships who's endings hurt, and a string of short term relationships / flings that hurt me even more.
My shrink and I have spoken quite a bit about instant gratification. I reach for the sweet comforting food because it makes me feel safe and good. I rush into relationships (today's epiphany). Like Jean Anouilh's Antigone
"I want everything of life, I do; and I want it total, complete: otherwise I reject it! I will not be moderate. I will not be satisfied with the bit of cake offered for being a good little girl. I want to be sure of everything this very day; sure that everything will be as beautiful as when I was a little girl."And I want it now. This very minute.
But I am at a stage in my life where I need to learn that gratification need not come immediately, that there is the delayed gratification. The gratification of "I haven't felt the need to eat the desert and as a result I've lost weight", of "I haven't rushed into a relationship and it's worked out for the best" (maybe friendship, maybe relationship).
Go slow. Isn't that a new lifetyle trend anyway? Go slow, get to know the guy better (as LeBiscuit recommended). You never know where it will lead. Agrippina actually said "Maybe he's a gentleman". I like that thought. I've always wanted to date a gentlemanly guy. And Taltos, it wasn't your long-distance vibes vibes that interfered. I was me expecting too much too soon.
So thank you all for making me realise this about myself. You rock! And I love you all very dearly! *MWAH*
Now let me post this before I get all emotional and teary.
PS: Next time round I'll be going to his place and he's making me dinner. That's promising. AND I WILL TAKE IT SLOWLY! No need to rush.
GOOD GIRL! Not only have you managed to reverse your thinking about the situation, you've learned something important. Very proud of you.
ReplyDeleteAfter my first date with Angie, we returned to her residence and stopped at the doorway.
ReplyDeleteThe date had gone well. A nervous energy resonated between us. It was pretty damned obvious to me that this was the point at which I should kiss Angie, before wishing her goodnight.
I willed myself to lean in and kiss her. I willed it.
So my body said a polite goodnight and walked me home instead.
I am fortunate that Angie took pity on my miserable mating ritual, and agreed to see me again.
During the second date we in Angie's room. I knew the kiss was something that really really had to happen soon, but I found it something terrifying to contemplate.
What if I was wrong? What if my ability to read her body language was in fact, completely broken. Perhaps I had suddenly become autistic? Perhaps she was actually just trying to find a way to get me out of the room, but was too polite to directly say, "Piss off!"
The horror of trying to kiss someone who didn't want to be kissed was paralysing. Much better to procrastinate this intimate physical contact. Much better to keep saying intelligently witty things.
Fortunately, Angie ran out of patience and kissed me.
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Right. So do I leave my story as a parable, or do you need further elaboration?