Breathe

I have always had a nasty habit of turning molehills into mountains. I am the poster child for anxiety girl. I imagine the worst that could possibly happen and end a nervous wreck with panic attacks. Great recipe, just what the doctor ordered.

Anxiety and panic are so irrational. I know I shouldn’t, yet I can’t control it. I am ruled by my heart. I went through a very bad phase mid-year to the point that I was prescribed anti-anxiety medication. I know many people are against the use of medication, but it certainly took me from basket case to normal, and for that I am very grateful.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been working on being more mindful. To be more self-aware. A technique I started using was breathing.

In.

Out.

Allow the thoughts to come forward, analyse them, decide whether it will matter in 5 years - usually they don’t (Thank you for that piece of advice Joy), to breathe and let it go. And generally the molehill was non-existent.

Case in point, last week while I was on site I learned that a misbooking had happened and that I was on the Wednesday instead of the Thursday flight back home. I didn’t have the number for the lady who does our bookings, I was on a construction site and at a time when I should have already been at the airport if I was to leave on that day. So I breathed, decided fuck it, I would try and solve it when I got back to the office because right now there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. When I finally got back to the office, everything had already been sorted out, crisis averted. And I wasn’t a gibberish mess.

I really hope that with continued practice and awareness I can go off the meds next year January.

So in light of this new awakening, I leave you with this rather fun song “Infinitesimal” by Mother Mother.

"Infinitesimal"

There’s a million, billion, trillion stars but I’m down here low
Fussin’ over scars on my soul, on my soul, on my soul, on my soul
On my soul, I am so infinitesimal, oh

They say it started with a big bang
But they say it came out of a small thing
Lately I’m feeling like a big bang
‘Cause I’ve been making something out of nothing…Like my soul

Millions and billions and trillions of stars but I’m down here low
Fussin’ over scars on my soul, on my soul, on my soul, on my soul
On my soul, I am so infinitesimal, oh

They say it started with a big bang
But they say it was really just a small thing
Strangely I’m feeling like a big bang
‘Cause I’ve been making mountains out of concaves

Do you ever really think about the grains?
Every little one’s got a million things
Every little bit’s got a billion bits, and that ain’t it, no that ain’t it
And did you know that when you really get close
Nothing really touches, bro, just kind of floats?
So when you think it might just come to blows
Just so you know, it won’t, cause it can’t, bro

There’s a million, billion, trillion stars but I’m down here low
Fussin’ over scars on my soul, on my soul, on my soul, on my soul
On my soul, I am so infinitesimal, oh

They say it started with a big bang
But they say it was really just a small thing
Strangely I’m feeling like a big bang
‘Cause I’ve been making something out of nothing

Like my soul, just like my soul, you think it’s so infinitesimal

 

Living with Anxiety

I have been very scarce with my blogs in the last months. I’ve wanted to write meaningful pieces but only got around to doing music recommendations. Today Clemma and I agreed that we would each post a blog. So here is mine.

Unknown to most of you I have been suffering from severe anxiety for a few months. Of course it took me a while and some therapy to realise what was going on. When you wake up in the morning and you can’t breathe, that you spend the whole day with tremors and shortness of breath, when you can’t remember anything so you have to write everything down, when you can’t concentrate and your already crummy sleeping patterns go to hell, you KNOW something is very wrong.

I eventually dragged myself to the GP who has given me some medication to deal with it. One of the meds is for emergencies only. I took one initially and I swear NEVER EVER AGAIN! When the box tells you to not operate heavy machinery, they mean it. And under heavy machinery, I include the walking. I was wearing heels that day and I had to totter to my car and put on my flats lest I keel right over. It felt like my being was not quite in my body. Everything was out of kilter. Try and work when you feel like that. It took most of the day to shed the feeling. When I told my shrink about it she said that that med should only be taken if you can have a lie down afterwards. Miss ADHLAS said that when she took it for her anxiety attacks it turned her into a Zombie. I wish my GP had warned me.

It’s been hard dealing with the anxiety. I realise I am not the only person in the world who suffers from it, and women tend to struggle more than men, but anxiety is something that one has to deal with by oneself, day by day. Other sufferers can sympathise and understand only too well. Non-sufferers will not understand. It also cannot be compared to stress. Stress can be a trigger for this affliction. It was in my case. The other meds I now take have helped somewhat, though I still have entire anxiety filled days. Something more than just anxiety is afoot.

I’ve been exceedingly weepy for no reason (and no it’s not PMS), apathetic, generally lost my appetite, concentration which had improved somewhat has seriously degenerated, I sleep very poorly and am therefore continuously exhausted, I can’t get myself out of bed in the morning (it took 45 minutes the other day) and of course my already fragile self-esteem has flown out the window. The other evening I had supper with friend of mine and I just wanted to go and disappear in a cocoon somewhere, even though I wanted to be with my friends. Add onto that the fact that I’ve gotten quite sick with a head cold and cough for the last 3 weeks and a glorious cold sore (which always trigger an allergic reaction. Sigh…). I’m utterly run-down emotionally and physically. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I’ve had good things happen to me. I have a brand new gorgeous red car, a new couch, a man who wants to be more than just friends, loving parents, supportive friends, adorable furrbabies, compliments from colleagues at work, substantial weight-loss and increased fitness…

Right now I just want to curl under a blanket, get lots of hugs from my mom and not resurface for a while. Oh if I could be a cat…

Can anyone spell out the condition? D.E.P.R.E.S.S.I.O.N. The symptoms are identical to last time. I’m going to see a psychiatrist on Thursday and we will see why the software is malfunction and how we can fix it.

The silver lining? I know that I whatever the diagnosis, I will get through it. I have in the past and there is no reason that I won’t get through it this time. I also have many golf balls in my mayonnaise jar of life. I must not allow the grains of sand to take over.

So my dear golf balls, I’ll keep you in the loop.