Hanging on to the Bandwagon

I trust and respect myself and deserve to satisfy my inner needs!

(Thank you to Clemma for this cute pic that made my day)

The last couple of weeks have been interesting, between going to the DRC for work, getting ill and eating big doses of antibiotics (dear Augmentin manufacturer, please make your pills smaller so that they are easier to swallow), and starting my first project managing role.

I have managed to lose some more weight and cms since my last weigh in 3 weeks ago, so I’m definitely getting my carb / protein ratio right. I will not pretend that it has been easy. Being ill made it even harder to be disciplined. The last thing I’ve wanted to do is cook. I did manage to make myself some soup for lunches last week, but suppers have been opportunistic and far from being a healthy choice at the best of times. I’ve also not been to gym for 2 weeks and I’m craving it! My lungs are finally clearing up so I should be able to slowly get going again.

I realise that I need to make a bigger effort to have home-cooked supper meals readily available. As my housemate is only home 2 or 3 nights a week, cooking for one is rather tricky. And I’m utterly not in the mood for cooking these days. There are some unidentified frozen dishes lurking in the freezer. I think it’s time to investigate them. Toss out what shouldn’t even be in the fridge. The sad thing is that there seems to me more condiments in that fridge than anything else (mostly my housemate’s. Do we really need that many? There are many variations on the chilli theme. I think she forgets she has that stuff and I don’t go near it, I like my taste buds). Once I’ve done that I need to be really prepared and disciplined.

It’s very hard to do this solo. Last year I did a challenge with Sean and it worked well until he bailed out on me. I need to find someone who is determined to get healthy, who will not sabotage the process, and who will rise to the challenge.

On the positive side of things, I am making more time for me. I have stopped accepting every invite that is being sent out. I am getting back in contact with my dear friends with whom I feel I have not been communicating enough. I’ve realised how much I miss them. I’m watching less TV, reading more and spending time in my garden. I’m also trying to look after my skin better: no more skipping on cleansing my face at night; I make sure that I treat my nails and cuticles every night; applying hand cream after every time I wash my hands; moisturising! This is all part of the Looking After Gerlinde Plan: pampering (without breaking the bank) and giving me some much needed love.

So here is the plan for the coming weeks:

1.       Find a health and fitness buddy who will not bail out on me.

2.       Make more time to see close friends.

3.       Sort out the fridge and toss anything unhealthy / old and manky / mysterious.

4.       BE DISCIPLINED AND PREPARED!

5.       Plan weekly meals.

6.       Get back to gym (at least 3 times a week) and start training for the 15km 702 Walk the Talk.

7.       Eat out not more than once a week, preferably not more than twice a month (my finances will be grateful too).

8.       No take-outs or convenience meals (happy waist and wallet).

9.       NEVER GIVE UP! NEVER SURRENDER!

Joining the Blogosphere

After much deliberation I have finally taken the plunge and decided to join the blogosphere. A good friend, Dr. S., told me that writing a blog could be very liberating. So on her advice, here it is.

This is a time of changes in my life. The last couple of years have been difficult emotionally and physically, resulting in the triggering of a depression. As I never suffered from depression, it took me a while to realise that something was wrong. At the beginning, I though that the "off" feelings I was having were due to the fact that I was turning 30 and was single. There is this huge (and ridiculous) pressure from society that, as a woman, you should be in a relationship/married, successful in your job/career and with kids and a mortgage by the time you hit 30. If you have not achieved these milestones you will be an unsuccessful spinster for the rest of your life, and unfulfilled because you do not have children. (But that is another story to be told another time.)

So there I was, on the verge of 30, with none of the above. (I lie, I did buy a duplex. One out of four.) And in a state of panic, of "oh my god, I've hit my sell-by-date and will never be in a successful relationship or be able to shed my extra weight". Not a good place.

And I turned 30. I had a great party and it was good and I was not terrified of being 30 anymore. Yet the "off" feeling persisted. I became weepier and weepier. One day I accidentally knocked my mom's glass of wine and burst into tears. Crying over spilled wine. Seriously? THAT's when I knew something was seriously wrong.

So off to the GP, prescribed anti-depressants and off we were. I stopped feeling all weepy, but I was far from OK. I started procrastinating at work, counting the minutes till I got home. This was compounded by the fact that money was tight. Paying a bond and all associated bits and bobs were taking a strain on finances.

Early this year I got weepy again. So back to GP, upped the medication. Weepiness stopped. As did my sex drive. That scared me. I knew that taking anti-depressants can cause a loss of libido. Had I been single at the time I probably would have been OK with it, but I wasn't, and for the first time in a while I was having a great sex life. To see it fizzle out did not help matters.

The miserableness at work worsened. I didn't get a raise (then again, the raise my colleagues got were a piddly joke). My flatmate, the dear and lovely Miss ADHLAS (Attention Deficit...Hey Look a Squirrel), moved out. My relationship was not going where I wanted it to.

That's when, amazingly enough, things in my head started to fall in place. I realised that I actually disliked the company I was working for, not my colleagues though. Just the company, its management and attitude. I had been working on the same two projects for three years. I wasn't getting onto new and different projects.I was stagnating and my passion for the field I was in was being sucked dry.

So I revamped my CV and put it out there. Slowly job-interviews started trickling in. A recruiter found me and now, many months later, I am working out my last few days at the company and exited to be starting a new and better paid paid job in September. This also means that money for being paid out leave and some from my retirement annuity will be used to pay off debts. And I will have enough money on a monthly basis to not to have to use the dreaded credit card, to put more money into my bond, to restart my savings and still have enough left over to treat myself.

Miss ADHLAS gave me the name her shrink (Mrs. S), whom I've now been seeing for almost two months. These have been two months of discovery for me. I am discovering things about myself that I'd been unconsciously locking away. It hasn't been easy. This Gordian Knot of issues and emotions will take a while to loosen. Some sessions leave me hollowed out, some elated.

I broke up with the ex. He wanted a casual on his terms easy sex relationship, I wanted something serious. Since then, my back pain stopped, clearly stress related. I joined a local dating website, and started chatting to some interesting guys. I even went out on a few dates. Me, dating! Have you ever! And the guys are quite nice, if not potential significant other for me, they are excellent friend material.

I've gone back to a lower dosage of meds and I'm feeling good. My libido is coming back too. I can foresee I need to invest in more batteries.

A good friend of mine, the LouwnStar, said to me the other day that he's glad to see me getting my groove back. And it feels good.

So here I am: New beginning, new-found groove and new-found confidence. Full steam ahead.

I'm turning 31 tomorrow. I won a wine hamper! I am in a better space than ever! Come on future! Bring it on!