Hanging on to the Bandwagon

I trust and respect myself and deserve to satisfy my inner needs!

(Thank you to Clemma for this cute pic that made my day)

The last couple of weeks have been interesting, between going to the DRC for work, getting ill and eating big doses of antibiotics (dear Augmentin manufacturer, please make your pills smaller so that they are easier to swallow), and starting my first project managing role.

I have managed to lose some more weight and cms since my last weigh in 3 weeks ago, so I’m definitely getting my carb / protein ratio right. I will not pretend that it has been easy. Being ill made it even harder to be disciplined. The last thing I’ve wanted to do is cook. I did manage to make myself some soup for lunches last week, but suppers have been opportunistic and far from being a healthy choice at the best of times. I’ve also not been to gym for 2 weeks and I’m craving it! My lungs are finally clearing up so I should be able to slowly get going again.

I realise that I need to make a bigger effort to have home-cooked supper meals readily available. As my housemate is only home 2 or 3 nights a week, cooking for one is rather tricky. And I’m utterly not in the mood for cooking these days. There are some unidentified frozen dishes lurking in the freezer. I think it’s time to investigate them. Toss out what shouldn’t even be in the fridge. The sad thing is that there seems to me more condiments in that fridge than anything else (mostly my housemate’s. Do we really need that many? There are many variations on the chilli theme. I think she forgets she has that stuff and I don’t go near it, I like my taste buds). Once I’ve done that I need to be really prepared and disciplined.

It’s very hard to do this solo. Last year I did a challenge with Sean and it worked well until he bailed out on me. I need to find someone who is determined to get healthy, who will not sabotage the process, and who will rise to the challenge.

On the positive side of things, I am making more time for me. I have stopped accepting every invite that is being sent out. I am getting back in contact with my dear friends with whom I feel I have not been communicating enough. I’ve realised how much I miss them. I’m watching less TV, reading more and spending time in my garden. I’m also trying to look after my skin better: no more skipping on cleansing my face at night; I make sure that I treat my nails and cuticles every night; applying hand cream after every time I wash my hands; moisturising! This is all part of the Looking After Gerlinde Plan: pampering (without breaking the bank) and giving me some much needed love.

So here is the plan for the coming weeks:

1.       Find a health and fitness buddy who will not bail out on me.

2.       Make more time to see close friends.

3.       Sort out the fridge and toss anything unhealthy / old and manky / mysterious.

4.       BE DISCIPLINED AND PREPARED!

5.       Plan weekly meals.

6.       Get back to gym (at least 3 times a week) and start training for the 15km 702 Walk the Talk.

7.       Eat out not more than once a week, preferably not more than twice a month (my finances will be grateful too).

8.       No take-outs or convenience meals (happy waist and wallet).

9.       NEVER GIVE UP! NEVER SURRENDER!

Food for the soul

I am happy to announce that my new medication seems to be working. I am finally sleeping a lot better. I only wake up once a night and I fall asleep fairly quickly. It’s a glorious feeling. On the secondary symptoms side though, I suddenly developed the munchies. All I wanted to do was eat and eat and eat. And it was not cravings orientated. I just wanted food. But that too has calmed down. I think that I was probably resetting my appetite from meh, I don’t feel like food to yes, food is nice and I will have some.

My snotty nose is still around however. When I will get rid of it I don’t know. One day I will come across meds that will help. However, I will not let that get in the way and I’m FINALLY going back to gym. Next Sunday is the 702 Walk the Talk and I am doing the 8km walk. I need to remind my body that walking is easy.

The end of last week I was feeling rather frazzled (due to a mix of circumstances I won’t get into right now) and I needed to talk to someone and get a new perspective. So on the spur of the moment I went to visit Clemma. We have not seen each other in a while and it was awesome to catch up. We have one of those lovely friendships where even though we have not seen each other in ages we pick up right where we left off. We don’t get annoyed with each other if we don’t have weekly news.  It’s very low maintenance but we are quite close. Ooh the stories I could tell of the shenanigans we got up to at university. Awesome memories! And to think when we first met she thought I was an aloof bitch. Hehe!

Anyway, I brought scones, cream and strawberries and we sat, had coffee and had a long heart-warming chat. There is nothing better than having an awesome friend who will help you see through the forest and offer great advice. Thank you ma Cherie!

And while we sat and chatted, we oohed and aahed over Clemma’s brand new Jack Russel puppy, Lilly. Lilly is tiny and adorable. You could just eat her up. Clemma and Jono already have a JR called Oscar, a cute endearing little monster. Oscar is besotted with Lilly. She’s the best thing since doggy treats. It was utterly adorable watching the two play together. Oscar could get a bit rough and she would growl at him, resulting with him rolling onto his back for forgiveness. You can already see who will be the boss! They played tug of war with Jono’s old slipper, they ran across the lawn into the flowerbeds (thank goodness Agapanthus are forgiving  plants). When I left, they had both crashed and were sound asleep, together, in Oscar’s bed. Snoo and Squeeness!

It is unbelievably rejuvenating to watch animals play together. You forget all your worries and issues and realise that all you were worried about is really not that big a deal, that you will cross the bridge when you get to it, and that you will be calm when you do.

Thank you Clemma for all your sound advice and letting me recharge my batteries in your lovely home.

New beginings...again

The last couple of months have not been the greatest from a motivation point of view. Not surprising given my anxiety and depression. At least I made it to the psychiatrist and I am officially diagnosed with anxious depression. Basically I get stressed, which leads to anxiety which triggers depression. Not fun, but at least, like diabetes, there are pills that help out. So after almost a year without being on meds I am back on. This time it's Valdoxane, which works on serotonin receptors. It should also help with the anxiety, the poor sleeping and not cause weight gain or libido loss (the latter quite important to me). Fingers crossed!

So Monday is the start of a new week. I am feeling way better than last week. I had my first ever Bronchitis. When I woke up on Thursday - after 2 weeks of sniffles and coughing - and felt that I was breathing rice crispies, I knew things were not good. Off to doctor and onto antibiotics with lots of bed rest. I'm hardly barking anymore, the postnasal drip is gone and I CAN BREATHE! Phew. Never again please!

So with a new week, new meds and recovering lungs I have decided to get a grip on myself again and get motivated once more (or at least work towards it as much as possible, given my chemical circumstances). So it's back to eating healthily, exercising (in a few days, as I don't want to jinks the poor lungs and heart) and making sure that I have something to be grateful about every day. And to not let the little things get tome and make mountains out of molehills and

Happy Monday everyone!

The light at the end of the tunnel

It has been nearly a month since I've weaned myself off the anti-depressants and I haven't felt this good in a long, long time. I have been monitoring myself very carefully. The last thing I want is to head down that hellhole again. And bar one hiccup, my mood has been 8/10 most days.

Going to the shrink has also taught me a lot about myself. Things that I would not normally have picked up on and when made aware of it, suddenly make sense. It's quite an awakening.

Many factors have played a part, the most important one being the new job. Chinabean told me the other day "They do say that change is as good as a holiday - I'd say the proof is in watching you right now!!!" It's a great affirmation when friends notice the change. The work load is quite hectic, but I am learning so many new things. I'm finally coming into my own. A great reward when colleagues compliment you on work well done and clients request further work from you. And I got to see my very first mining blast. It was HUGE and totally awesome! I'm still on a high from it.

One of the fun things about being off the drugs is not only the happy factor, but that my libido has returned. I had forgotten it was this high. I do feel it needs to be held at bay with a cattle prod lest it try and take me over, but it's good to have the old friend back. Thank goodness for the Rabbit and Duracell batteries.

Life is good. May it continue!

Bitterness and Healing

I have been single for two months now and I'm enjoying it.

But I need to write this blog for some emotional cleansing. Maybe if I write it down I will finally be able to let go of the bitterness inside me.

In December last year I started dating H. And it was great. He's an intelligent guy, has great knowledge on numerous subjects, and, yes, he was great in bed. We only saw each other on weekends because he lives in a different city.

Everything was going hunky dory until I started feeling that he wasn't putting any effort in the relationship. He was being lazy. The fact that I was on increased dosage of anti-depressant didn't help my libido, but I was able to overcome that. Yet, things just continued spiraling downwards and I was increasingly unhappy about the lack of effort or anything that H invested in us.

Eventually, we decided to call it quits. And he said to me "I told you from the start that I just wanted a fun relationship". Uh! Say what?! That conversation never happened. We did have a talk about finances and who pays for what kind of thing.

(Please note, the guy is stingy. We had our regulars sushi night yesterday and there was no all you can eat special and he was very upset that L&G who had organised the venue had not factored that in. Lazy and stingy. And a dick.)

So nothing about what we expect from the relationship. At the start it was great fun, we had an awesome time together. ..Oh! Wait. Fun as in no-strings attached booty call fun. That's kind of fun he meant. Gee thanks for not letting me know. I feel cheap and used. And extremely bitter.

And here I thought a 38 year old guy would be serious about relationships. If he wanted booty call he should have gone for some silly 20 year old.

A later incident made me even more resentful. We play D&D together and H is the DM and there are 7 players in the group. 4 of the guys come from Centurion and 3 of us from Joburg. So it seemed fair to play at the DM's place in Centurion. Recently, one of the players had to bow out to to unforeseen family drama. So that left 6 people, 3 from Centurion, 3 from Joburg. We continued playing in Centurion.

One day, I couldn't catch a lift to the game and I sent out a friendly email asking if maybe we could play at my house this one time as I'd be really bummed to miss out on the game. The guys responded happily with didn't have an issue changing the venue this one time. All except for H. He was so vociferous in his answering email I was just knocked off my feet! And I know that the only reason he did not want to change the venue the one time was that he's to lazy to get his stuff together and go somewhere. See tat word. Lazy. Yeah. I think that had he used a more apologetic tone in his response I would have been OK with missing out on the game. So I told him that due to his unflexibility and selfishness he'd just lost himself another player.

I then sent out a mail to the other guys telling them of my decision and that I was going to miss them a lot and that I truly enjoyed playing with them. The responses I got back from the guys were so sweet, I felt validated that they at least liked me and enjoyed playing with me too.

So yes. H is a dick. A lazy fat one. And may he regret his decision forever.

Last night, H was the last to arrive at sushi and G who was sitting next to me told me to breathe out and relax because he instantly noticed how I tensed up as soon as H rocked up. G also passed on a book voucher H had given to him to give me for my birthday. And I gave it straight back to H. He looked confused and said "But it's for you." To which I relied "I don't want it" and walked out.

Sigh..Phew... I think I feel better. I'm just so puzzled as to why I'm so hurt. I obviously had deeper feelings than I thought I had, and that feeling used made it worse.

I am not someone's booty call. I am a beautiful, intelligent and educated woman and any man who does not realise and appreciate that is not worth an iota.