Living with Anxiety

I have been very scarce with my blogs in the last months. I’ve wanted to write meaningful pieces but only got around to doing music recommendations. Today Clemma and I agreed that we would each post a blog. So here is mine.

Unknown to most of you I have been suffering from severe anxiety for a few months. Of course it took me a while and some therapy to realise what was going on. When you wake up in the morning and you can’t breathe, that you spend the whole day with tremors and shortness of breath, when you can’t remember anything so you have to write everything down, when you can’t concentrate and your already crummy sleeping patterns go to hell, you KNOW something is very wrong.

I eventually dragged myself to the GP who has given me some medication to deal with it. One of the meds is for emergencies only. I took one initially and I swear NEVER EVER AGAIN! When the box tells you to not operate heavy machinery, they mean it. And under heavy machinery, I include the walking. I was wearing heels that day and I had to totter to my car and put on my flats lest I keel right over. It felt like my being was not quite in my body. Everything was out of kilter. Try and work when you feel like that. It took most of the day to shed the feeling. When I told my shrink about it she said that that med should only be taken if you can have a lie down afterwards. Miss ADHLAS said that when she took it for her anxiety attacks it turned her into a Zombie. I wish my GP had warned me.

It’s been hard dealing with the anxiety. I realise I am not the only person in the world who suffers from it, and women tend to struggle more than men, but anxiety is something that one has to deal with by oneself, day by day. Other sufferers can sympathise and understand only too well. Non-sufferers will not understand. It also cannot be compared to stress. Stress can be a trigger for this affliction. It was in my case. The other meds I now take have helped somewhat, though I still have entire anxiety filled days. Something more than just anxiety is afoot.

I’ve been exceedingly weepy for no reason (and no it’s not PMS), apathetic, generally lost my appetite, concentration which had improved somewhat has seriously degenerated, I sleep very poorly and am therefore continuously exhausted, I can’t get myself out of bed in the morning (it took 45 minutes the other day) and of course my already fragile self-esteem has flown out the window. The other evening I had supper with friend of mine and I just wanted to go and disappear in a cocoon somewhere, even though I wanted to be with my friends. Add onto that the fact that I’ve gotten quite sick with a head cold and cough for the last 3 weeks and a glorious cold sore (which always trigger an allergic reaction. Sigh…). I’m utterly run-down emotionally and physically. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I’ve had good things happen to me. I have a brand new gorgeous red car, a new couch, a man who wants to be more than just friends, loving parents, supportive friends, adorable furrbabies, compliments from colleagues at work, substantial weight-loss and increased fitness…

Right now I just want to curl under a blanket, get lots of hugs from my mom and not resurface for a while. Oh if I could be a cat…

Can anyone spell out the condition? D.E.P.R.E.S.S.I.O.N. The symptoms are identical to last time. I’m going to see a psychiatrist on Thursday and we will see why the software is malfunction and how we can fix it.

The silver lining? I know that I whatever the diagnosis, I will get through it. I have in the past and there is no reason that I won’t get through it this time. I also have many golf balls in my mayonnaise jar of life. I must not allow the grains of sand to take over.

So my dear golf balls, I’ll keep you in the loop.