Monday, June 25, 2012

New beginings...again

The last couple of months have not been the greatest from a motivation point of view. Not surprising given my anxiety and depression. At least I made it to the psychiatrist and I am officially diagnosed with anxious depression. Basically I get stressed, which leads to anxiety which triggers depression. Not fun, but at least, like diabetes, there are pills that help out. So after almost a year without being on meds I am back on. This time it's Valdoxane, which works on serotonin receptors. It should also help with the anxiety, the poor sleeping and not cause weight gain or libido loss (the latter quite important to me). Fingers crossed!

So Monday is the start of a new week. I am feeling way better than last week. I had my first ever Bronchitis. When I woke up on Thursday - after 2 weeks of sniffles and coughing - and felt that I was breathing rice crispies, I knew things were not good. Off to doctor and onto antibiotics with lots of bed rest. I'm hardly barking anymore, the postnasal drip is gone and I CAN BREATHE! Phew. Never again please!

So with a new week, new meds and recovering lungs I have decided to get a grip on myself again and get motivated once more (or at least work towards it as much as possible, given my chemical circumstances). So it's back to eating healthily, exercising (in a few days, as I don't want to jinks the poor lungs and heart) and making sure that I have something to be grateful about every day. And to not let the little things get tome and make mountains out of molehills and

Happy Monday everyone!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and started to fill it with golf balls.
 He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
 The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes'
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.
'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - family, children, health, friends, and favourite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else --the small stuff.’
‘If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are really important to you.’
‘So, pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap.’
‘Take care of the golf balls first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Living with Anxiety

I have been very scarce with my blogs in the last months. I’ve wanted to write meaningful pieces but only got around to doing music recommendations. Today Clemma and I agreed that we would each post a blog. So here is mine.
Unknown to most of you I have been suffering from severe anxiety for a few months. Of course it took me a while and some therapy to realise what was going on. When you wake up in the morning and you can’t breathe, that you spend the whole day with tremors and shortness of breath, when you can’t remember anything so you have to write everything down, when you can’t concentrate and your already crummy sleeping patterns go to hell, you KNOW something is very wrong.
I eventually dragged myself to the GP who has given me some medication to deal with it. One of the meds is for emergencies only. I took one initially and I swear NEVER EVER AGAIN! When the box tells you to not operate heavy machinery, they mean it. And under heavy machinery, I include the walking. I was wearing heels that day and I had to totter to my car and put on my flats lest I keel right over. It felt like my being was not quite in my body. Everything was out of kilter. Try and work when you feel like that. It took most of the day to shed the feeling. When I told my shrink about it she said that that med should only be taken if you can have a lie down afterwards. Miss ADHLAS said that when she took it for her anxiety attacks it turned her into a Zombie. I wish my GP had warned me.
It’s been hard dealing with the anxiety. I realise I am not the only person in the world who suffers from it, and women tend to struggle more than men, but anxiety is something that one has to deal with by oneself, day by day. Other sufferers can sympathise and understand only too well. Non-sufferers will not understand. It also cannot be compared to stress. Stress can be a trigger for this affliction. It was in my case. The other meds I now take have helped somewhat, though I still have entire anxiety filled days. Something more than just anxiety is afoot.
I’ve been exceedingly weepy for no reason (and no it’s not PMS), apathetic, generally lost my appetite, concentration which had improved somewhat has seriously degenerated, I sleep very poorly and am therefore continuously exhausted, I can’t get myself out of bed in the morning (it took 45 minutes the other day) and of course my already fragile self-esteem has flown out the window. The other evening I had supper with friend of mine and I just wanted to go and disappear in a cocoon somewhere, even though I wanted to be with my friends. Add onto that the fact that I’ve gotten quite sick with a head cold and cough for the last 3 weeks and a glorious cold sore (which always trigger an allergic reaction. Sigh…). I’m utterly run-down emotionally and physically. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I’ve had good things happen to me. I have a brand new gorgeous red car, a new couch, a man who wants to be more than just friends, loving parents, supportive friends, adorable furrbabies, compliments from colleagues at work, substantial weight-loss and increased fitness…
Right now I just want to curl under a blanket, get lots of hugs from my mom and not resurface for a while. Oh if I could be a cat…
Can anyone spell out the condition? D.E.P.R.E.S.S.I.O.N. The symptoms are identical to last time. I’m going to see a psychiatrist on Thursday and we will see why the software is malfunction and how we can fix it.
The silver lining? I know that I whatever the diagnosis, I will get through it. I have in the past and there is no reason that I won’t get through it this time. I also have many golf balls in my mayonnaise jar of life. I must not allow the grains of sand to take over.
So my dear golf balls, I’ll keep you in the loop.