Breathe

I have always had a nasty habit of turning molehills into mountains. I am the poster child for anxiety girl. I imagine the worst that could possibly happen and end a nervous wreck with panic attacks. Great recipe, just what the doctor ordered.

Anxiety and panic are so irrational. I know I shouldn’t, yet I can’t control it. I am ruled by my heart. I went through a very bad phase mid-year to the point that I was prescribed anti-anxiety medication. I know many people are against the use of medication, but it certainly took me from basket case to normal, and for that I am very grateful.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been working on being more mindful. To be more self-aware. A technique I started using was breathing.

In.

Out.

Allow the thoughts to come forward, analyse them, decide whether it will matter in 5 years - usually they don’t (Thank you for that piece of advice Joy), to breathe and let it go. And generally the molehill was non-existent.

Case in point, last week while I was on site I learned that a misbooking had happened and that I was on the Wednesday instead of the Thursday flight back home. I didn’t have the number for the lady who does our bookings, I was on a construction site and at a time when I should have already been at the airport if I was to leave on that day. So I breathed, decided fuck it, I would try and solve it when I got back to the office because right now there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. When I finally got back to the office, everything had already been sorted out, crisis averted. And I wasn’t a gibberish mess.

I really hope that with continued practice and awareness I can go off the meds next year January.

So in light of this new awakening, I leave you with this rather fun song “Infinitesimal” by Mother Mother.

"Infinitesimal"

There’s a million, billion, trillion stars but I’m down here low
Fussin’ over scars on my soul, on my soul, on my soul, on my soul
On my soul, I am so infinitesimal, oh

They say it started with a big bang
But they say it came out of a small thing
Lately I’m feeling like a big bang
‘Cause I’ve been making something out of nothing…Like my soul

Millions and billions and trillions of stars but I’m down here low
Fussin’ over scars on my soul, on my soul, on my soul, on my soul
On my soul, I am so infinitesimal, oh

They say it started with a big bang
But they say it was really just a small thing
Strangely I’m feeling like a big bang
‘Cause I’ve been making mountains out of concaves

Do you ever really think about the grains?
Every little one’s got a million things
Every little bit’s got a billion bits, and that ain’t it, no that ain’t it
And did you know that when you really get close
Nothing really touches, bro, just kind of floats?
So when you think it might just come to blows
Just so you know, it won’t, cause it can’t, bro

There’s a million, billion, trillion stars but I’m down here low
Fussin’ over scars on my soul, on my soul, on my soul, on my soul
On my soul, I am so infinitesimal, oh

They say it started with a big bang
But they say it was really just a small thing
Strangely I’m feeling like a big bang
‘Cause I’ve been making something out of nothing

Like my soul, just like my soul, you think it’s so infinitesimal

 

Let it go

For quite a while now I’ve been working on being a nicer, more mindful person. By that I don’t mean saying thank you or being considerate to the people I interact with, as I do that anyway, but rather about monitoring my thoughts about people.

Oh you know exactly what I’m talking about. The thought you have when you look at someone’s outfit and think “Girl, what ARE you wearing? That’s just a terrible outfit!”, or swearing when someone cuts across traffic. That instant judgement of someone whose story you don’t know. We all plead guilty. I certainly am.

What kind of person am I if I am so judgemental? I pride myself on being a feminist, pro-choice, accepting of the spiritual diversity around me, yet does my instant judgement not make me a hypocrite? I’m sure it does, and I’m not proud of it. And it got me thinking.

I may not like someone’s outfit, but they may not like mine. So what. Let it go (Cue Frozen soundtrack, because life’s too short to not have soundtracks). We take things so personally when they’re not about us at all. That guy who cut you off in traffic wasn’t even thinking about you, he was too self-involved in whatever issues he’s dealing with. So I try to not stoop to that level. Take a deep breath and let it go.

The Minimalist movements talk about getting rid of the clutter in one’s lives in order to live more fulfilling lives, as by having less material distractions you are able to focus on more important things that feed your soul and you’ll be happier. I think that also applies to the clutter of the mind, all those negative thoughts clouding about.

I may not be the best at parting with material clutter, but I’m working on getting rid of my mind clutter. I know I will fail at times (I’m awesome, not perfect), but if I can be that small bit better, then that is better than never having tried at all.

 

Happiness

Today was International Happiness Day. On Facebook there was an event page that asked for people to list one thing that made them happy. I thought about it for a long time. What makes me happy? All the things that came to mind were actually things that I am grateful for, and I realise that underneath it all, what I am grateful for makes me happy.  

Grateful to be alive; for the close bond I have with my parents; grateful for the wonderful people in my life; for doing a job that I actually like; for a roof over my head; for sushi… and chocolate…and wine.

Grateful for walking barefoot in the grass; for feeling the wind in my hair; the smell of the rain and amazing South African thunderstorms.

Grateful for my best friends, who although they are thousands of kilometres away in London, are always there for me.

Grateful for these crazy monsters who pile on top of me at night and purr me to sleep.

 

Grateful for love. Giving it. Receiving it.

I probably sound like one of those cheesy motivational posters, but love makes me happy. Such a small thing yet so big and powerful.

Re-Awakening

A few weeks ago a wonderful young man passed away from cancer. We buried him on his 30^th birthday.

Adam was a remarkable young man; a true Mensch who would have changed the world had he only had the time. He always saw the best in people, and through him we saw the best that we could be, and we strived to be that better person. His enthusiasm and empathy for everyone and everything knew no bounds. He truly felt and truly loved.

It is only when we lose such a person that we remember how fleeting life is, how much we take it for granted and how meaninglessly we plod through it. And this is tragic considering this only life we are blessed to have.

I recently met two lovely people who stimulate me intellectually and emotionally (and I hope will continue to do), and through whom I (inadvertently) was able to get over my year-long writer’s block. Such people are precious, their friendships something to cultivate like a rare and precious flower. They will make you question your beliefs, your aspirations in life, and the path you are currently walking.

Between losing Batman, meeting the Buddhist and the Doctor, I’ve felt my soul re-open, my hope in mankind rekindled (this eternal optimist had lost herself somewhat). I’m appreciating each day, spending as much time with my loved ones, and being kind to myself. Through this I’ve found myself becoming calmer and more mindful, meditation has become easier, and I’m feeling so much more – especially from a tactile point of view. I’m rediscovering that infantile pleasure of touching surfaces and feeling the trill of textures; scents intoxicate me. It is as tough I have fallen in love. Fallen in love with me, with life, and with all the amazing people in it, all over again.

Love.

Carl Sagan wrote in Contact about the universe:

“For small creatures such as we, the vastness is bearable only trough love”

I love Me. You. Infinitesimally.

 

I'm back

It’s been a while. But I’m finally back. Special thanks to all the amazing people in my life in this past year. I love you all!